Movin' on up

I had a break down yesterday. Yes a breakdown...imagine that. You see I've known for the past 5 years that this day would come and I THOUGHT I was prepared. Nope. Nothing could have prepared me for this day. I've been waiting for a few weeks now on my sons letter from his school telling me who is KINDERGARTEN teacher is. This is his third year of school. He was in a 3 year old preschool class and a 4 year old pre-k class and I didn't have a problem with that at all. In fact, truth be told, I kind of enjoyed the break and it gave me one on one time with my newborn daughter. On August 1st I had my first little twinge of a broken heart. I realized at that point that in 25 days my baby boy, my FIRST born would complete a major milestone in his life. But even then it was just a little skip in my day. Yesterday was a WHOLE new story. My husband checked the mail and brought me the letter. It was a nice little letter from his new teacher and it all hit me HARD! I SOBBED my way through the letter and then I just sat and cried for 30 minutes because...well, because...he's growing up. Can I stop it? Can we go back? I continued to have weepy moments over the next few hours and would have to go and hold my son who had NO IDEA what was wrong with me. For those of you who haven't gone through it I imagine you are thinking I'm crazy but I'm not. All I could do was remember the tiny little baby I held in my arms the for the first time. I would remember the sleepless nights I spent rocking him in my arms because he wouldn't sleep and then the sleepless nights I spent running to his side to make sure all was well because he WOULD sleep through the night. I remembered the birthdays and the transition from a crib to a big boy bed, the first time I left him overnight to go on a vacation with my husband when I sat in the floor of my moms house and cried for an hour and almost didn't go because I would miss him too much. I could SEE these memories in my mind as I thought about them. My husband tried to console me. My SON tried to console me. He told me that when I missed him while he was at school I could lay in his bed and cuddle with his blankets and that if I wasn't at home then I could kiss the picture of him that hangs in my car. Those things just made me cry more because they aren't good enough. No one told me that kindergarten would break my heart into a million pieces. WHY CAN'T WE PAUSE TIME?!?!?! Of course I know the answer. God has MANY more good times for us and no matter how much I want to hold onto my son I can't. The truth is...he was never mine to hold to begin with. All I can do is trust that God will help me raise my handsome boy to be a man of God and serve Him in all that he does. Yes, I'm pregnant but I really don't think that has played a role in my emotions during this time as we're movin' on up.