I had a break down yesterday. Yes a breakdown...imagine that. You see I've known for the past 5 years that this day would come and I THOUGHT I was prepared. Nope. Nothing could have prepared me for this day. I've been waiting for a few weeks now on my sons letter from his school telling me who is KINDERGARTEN teacher is. This is his third year of school. He was in a 3 year old preschool class and a 4 year old pre-k class and I didn't have a problem with that at all. In fact, truth be told, I kind of enjoyed the break and it gave me one on one time with my newborn daughter. On August 1st I had my first little twinge of a broken heart. I realized at that point that in 25 days my baby boy, my FIRST born would complete a major milestone in his life. But even then it was just a little skip in my day. Yesterday was a WHOLE new story. My husband checked the mail and brought me the letter. It was a nice little letter from his new teacher and it all hit me HARD! I SOBBED my way through the letter and then I just sat and cried for 30 minutes because...well, because...he's growing up. Can I stop it? Can we go back? I continued to have weepy moments over the next few hours and would have to go and hold my son who had NO IDEA what was wrong with me. For those of you who haven't gone through it I imagine you are thinking I'm crazy but I'm not. All I could do was remember the tiny little baby I held in my arms the for the first time. I would remember the sleepless nights I spent rocking him in my arms because he wouldn't sleep and then the sleepless nights I spent running to his side to make sure all was well because he WOULD sleep through the night. I remembered the birthdays and the transition from a crib to a big boy bed, the first time I left him overnight to go on a vacation with my husband when I sat in the floor of my moms house and cried for an hour and almost didn't go because I would miss him too much. I could SEE these memories in my mind as I thought about them. My husband tried to console me. My SON tried to console me. He told me that when I missed him while he was at school I could lay in his bed and cuddle with his blankets and that if I wasn't at home then I could kiss the picture of him that hangs in my car. Those things just made me cry more because they aren't good enough. No one told me that kindergarten would break my heart into a million pieces. WHY CAN'T WE PAUSE TIME?!?!?! Of course I know the answer. God has MANY more good times for us and no matter how much I want to hold onto my son I can't. The truth is...he was never mine to hold to begin with. All I can do is trust that God will help me raise my handsome boy to be a man of God and serve Him in all that he does. Yes, I'm pregnant but I really don't think that has played a role in my emotions during this time as we're movin' on up.
per·fec·tion Pronunciation:\pər-ˈfek-shən\ Function:noun 1: the quality or state of being perfect: as a: freedom from fault or defect : flawlessness b: maturity c: the quality or state of being saintly 2 a: an exemplification of supreme excellence b: an unsurpassable degree of accuracy or excellence 3: the act or process of perfecting
Being Perfect. Biblically speaking, perfection is an unreachable goal. We are taught to STRIVE to be Christlike however Romans 3:23 states "....all have sinned, and fallen short of the Glory of God..." Therefore no one can be perfect because ALL have committed sin. This is straight forward and very blunt. Knowing very well that we cannot achieve perfection does not stop us from trying or even from claiming perfection. With that said.....
Even though we KNOW we will never reach perfection biblically we still have our ideas of what PERFECT is. What is it to you? To me it is waking up to my husband saying "Good Morning. Guess What? I love you more today than I did yesterday." and then him leaving to go to work to provide for His family. It is when my 22 month old daughter grabs my face and kisses me for NO REASON. It is when I tell my son that I love him to the moon and back and he looks at me with this smile of satisfaction on his face when he says "Well I love you to HEAVEN and back and that's farther so I win". It is the joy I have when my kids see that my husband is home from work and run to the door to meet him with more love than is imaginable and then that same love that I am met with when I am away from them on occasion. It is the peace I have KNOWING that MY GOD is so powerful that I don't have to worry about anything (even though I do because it is human nature). It is knowing how truly blessed I am and being able to "Praise Him in the storm" (when praising Him seems to be the hardest). And truly believing that "He will take you through the fire again". How awesome it is to feel like life is perfect and knowing that it can be SOOOO much better at the same time.
We rush through life looking for things we WANT and forget about the things we HAVE. I challenge the few people who may read this to sit back and look at the things you have that didn't cost you a dime. How simple it is to forget those things that are 'perfect'. Maybe it is better defined as being satisfied with the things that the God I serve has blessed me with instead of being focused on the things I don't have. Perfection or Satisfaction? Or maybe I'm just perfectly satisfied knowing that God has, God can, and God will. Yep that's it...PERFECTLY SATISFIED!
YAY!!!! I finally took the time to make this look a little better!!! It is DEFINITELY a work in progress though. I still need to add some pictures and keep up with posts and maybe put a few more gadgets on here but at least I got started! Its been a long day so for now I'll leave it like it is. Anyone with comments on how to make it better feel free to let me know! It may not be as good as some that you can buy but I'm ok with it like is since it was FREE!
I am a sinner saved by grace and I'm working on a relationship with Jesus Christ. "When I say I'm a Christian, I'm not shouting I'm clean livin'. I'm whispering I was lost, Now I am found and forgiven." I stay at home with my 3 kiddos and will be homeschooling my oldest one starting in August 2010. I try to be the best wife I can be to my terrific hubby but to be honest I'm not very good at the domestic stuff.
I am married to a WONDERFUL husband who does way more than his fair share around here. He helps with the kids and the cleaning even after coming home from his very demanding job. I appreciate all he does for his family and I thank him very much for taking care of us financially so that I can stay home and raise our 3 beautiful kiddos.